Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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