i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
