This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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