I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
