Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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