i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
