Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
