There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
As shirtless as possible
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
