i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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