If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
