u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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