those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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