I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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