Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
