Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
