Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
