I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
