you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
