So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize