I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
