There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Sorry my hands just texted you
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize