i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
