this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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