Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize