My hand turned me down
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
