This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
