My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
