Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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