My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I haven't been this sober since birth.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
