If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
