i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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