Girls should come with a carfax report
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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