Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
