I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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