I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
