he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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