let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
