I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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