I could have mohawked her pubes.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Less talking, more tequila
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
