Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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