I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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