just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize