Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
