seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The uberlube is also flammable
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
