Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
