Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
