got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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