i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
