I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
