people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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