naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Hippo gnu deer
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
