theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
