While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
