I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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