I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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