then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
